Dying To Be Me Read online

  It follows that the problems we see in the world aren’t from the judgment or hatred we have for others but for ourselves. Just as the key to my healing was unconditional self-love that eliminated fear, the key to a better world is for everyone to care for themselves the same way, realizing their true worth. If we stopped judging ourselves, we’d automatically find less and less need to condemn others. We’d begin to notice their true perfection. The universe is contained within us, and what we experience externally is only a reflection.

  I believe that at the core, no one is truly bad—that evil is only a product of our fears, the same way my cancer was. From the magnificent perspective, even criminals are victims of their own limitations, fear, and pain. If they’d had true self-awareness to begin with, they never would have caused any harm. A different mind-set—for example, a complete state of trust instead of fright—can turn around even the most depraved person, the same way that I reversed the extreme disease of my cancer.

  Because most people don’t live in that clarity of self-awareness, laws, judgment, rewards, and punishments are required to keep folks from harming each other. If everyone were aware of their own magnificence, then we’d no longer be driven by fear. We wouldn’t need rules and jails…or hospitals.

  IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON SUDDENLY BECAME aware of their true perfection and magnificence—let’s say that everyone on the planet had a spiritually transformative experience—our manifest world would change to reflect that new state. People would be more self-empowered and far less fearful and competitive, which would lead to more tolerance for each other. Crime rates would drop dramatically. Our immune systems would be stronger from less stress and fear, so there would be fewer illnesses. Priorities would change because we’d no longer be driven by greed, which is another facet of fear. Children would grow up being love—being stronger, healthier, and more trusting. They’d live on a planet that naturally supports this way of life rather than in a place that’s hostile to it.

  Despite this vision, I don’t feel the need to change anyone else, let alone the world. Going out and altering things suggests I judge them to be wrong, therefore I need to fix them to match my own vision or ideology. Instead, everything is as it should be at this point in time. I know my only work is to be. My job here is to be myself—an expression of the love that I am—and to see the perfection in myself, others, and the world around me as I continue to live in the physical plane. That’s all that any of us needs to be.

  I understand the roles that everyone in my family and my larger circle play in my life and I in theirs. If I’m not true to myself, then others around me aren’t able to be themselves either. Only by being my unique self can I allow others to interact with me on the level of their own infinite selves.

  As long as I have this awareness, I feel at one with Universal energy as it flows through my life, unfolding in miraculous and synchronistic ways. I become energized instead of drained—lifted up by being instead of brought down by doing, working with universal energy rather than against it. As I continue in this manner, my life takes on a Zen-like quality, in that I’m present to the point that everything has an almost surreal, guided feeling. It’s not always easy, but it’s certainly made life more fun! I’m definitely still a work in progress, but this is pretty much all I have to do—just be the love I am, be who I am. My external universe will fall into place as a result of that, and the same is true on a grand scale.

  Just as we each create our own lives moment by moment with our thoughts and emotions, we’ve also collectively decided what’s humanly possible and what isn’t. Similarly, we also think our morals and values are absolute, but actually they’re just a bunch of thoughts and beliefs that we’ve adopted over time as being true. They’re a construct of our minds and a product of our cultures, just like all the gender expectations that shaped my thinking during my early years. Because I believed these values to be absolutely true, they affected who I was. As a whole, the reality we’ve created reflects this unawareness. If everyone’s thoughts and beliefs were different, then we’d have created a different planet.

  It seems to me that this world is always a culmination of all our collective thoughts and beliefs where they currently stand. We only expand at the rate we’re capable of handling at any given point, individually or collectively. We still judge perpetrators of crime as exactly that—criminals who deserve to be condemned, not only in this life but in the afterlife as well! We’re still unable to see them as victims of fear, creations of a reality that we, as a whole, have built.

  When each of us is able to look into the eyes of even our worst enemies and see our own eyes looking back, then we’ll see true transformation of the human race. One by one, each one of us can focus on creating reality for ourselves based on our own truths, rather than blindly following what has been set up by our collective beliefs and thoughts. By expanding our awareness on an individual level, we’ll be effecting change on a universal level.

  Each one of us is like a single thread in a huge tapestry, woven in a complex and colorful pattern. We may be only one strand, yet we’re all integral to the finished image. We affect the lives of others just by choosing whether or not to be our true selves. Our only obligation to others, our only purpose, is to express our uniqueness and allow others to do the same.

  Realizing that the Light, the magnificent Universal energy is within us and is us, changes us as individuals because we’re open and ready. In this way, a slower, deeper shift can take place in the world. In the next chapter, I’ll explore even more of what I’ve come to understand about living in this plane.

  CHAPTER 17

  Allowing and Being Yourself

  I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I now live my life from joy instead of from fear. This is the one very simple difference between who I was before my NDE and who I am today.

  Before, without even realizing it, everything I did was to avoid pain or to please other people. I was caught up in doing, pursuing, searching, and achieving; and I was the last person I ever took into consideration. My life was driven by fear—of displeasing others, of failing, of being selfish, and of not being good enough. In my own head, I always fell short.

  Since my NDE, I don’t feel that I came back to accomplish anything. I only came back to be. Because of this, everything I do comes from love. I don’t worry anymore about trying to get things right or complying with rules or doctrines. I just follow my heart and know that I can’t go wrong when I do so. Ironically, I end up pleasing more people than my old self ever did, just because I’m so much happier and more liberated!

  This has a big impact on my health as well. Since I now see myself as an infinite being, the physical takes care of itself because it’s only a reflection of what’s going on within my soul. Unconditional self-love increases my energy tremendously, and the universe acts in kind.

  The external world mirrors what we feel about ourselves. By letting go of any negative self-judgment, we allow our world to transform; and as it does so, we’ll be able to feel greater and greater trust. The more we’re able to trust, the more we’re able to let go of trying to control the outcome. When we try to move with this flow rather than adhere dogmatically to the doctrines of others or the beliefs we once had that no longer serve us, we more accurately reflect who and what we truly are.

  AS I’VE DESCRIBED, UNTIL MY NDE, I’d always been searching outward for guidance, whether it was seeking approval from my peers or bosses or simply looking to others for answers. I followed the opinions, advice, teachings, and laws that were laid down by other people, whether they felt good for me or not. Often, I adhered to the rituals and teachings out of fear, just in case they were right and had information that I didn’t.

  During my NDE, I discovered that in listening to all these external voices, I’d lost myself. Doing things “just in case” means doing them out of fear. So these days, I don’t follow any established methodology, order, ritual, dogma, or doctrine. In fact, one of my
biggest rules is that there should never be any hard and fast rules! I just pay attention to whatever feels right at the time. For me, life is a spiritual experience, and I’m changing and evolving all the time.

  If we’re energetic beings inseparable from the Universal life force, we don’t need any outside system to make decisions for us or tell us how our energy can be raised or lowered. We’re all unique, so no one can really make blanket rules about what’s right for us. However, this is what many organized spiritual systems and religions seem to do. Once a structure is established, everyone is expected to follow the same tenets. Those who choose not to are judged negatively, and that’s how and why organized religions create divisiveness and strife instead of the unity that they’re trying to establish with those very rules. Following a religious path doesn’t necessarily exempt us from living a life of fear or even victimizing others. Following a personal spiritual path, however, means to follow the promptings of our own inner being and taps into the infinite self we all are at our core.

  It’s clear how fallible organized systems are once we cross cultures. Indian and Chinese spiritual and healing systems completely contradict each other. Hindus believe eating animal flesh is a sin, while the Chinese believe it’s unhealthy not to eat meat. Similarly, Indians have a system called vastu that has the same purpose as feng shui but is in direct conflict with the Chinese rules. I used to get so lost with each authority endorsing something that conflicts with all the others. Not knowing which one to use can actually create a lot of fear—or at least anxiety about getting it wrong.

  So in the end, my NDE brought me back to myself. I believe this is the most powerful idea for each of us: realizing that we’re here to discover and honor our own individual path. It doesn’t matter whether we renounce the material world and meditate on a mountaintop for 20 years or create a billion-dollar multinational company that employs thousands of people, giving them each a livelihood. We can attend a temple or church, sit on the beach, drink a margarita, take in a glorious sunset with a loved one, or walk through the park enjoying an ice cream. Ultimately, whichever path we choose is the right one for us, and none of these options are any more or less spiritual than the others.

  I’m not saying that I’m against organized religion, but I am skeptical of any message when it leads to all the divisiveness, strife, and killing that go on in this world in the name of religion, when in truth, we’re all One—all facets of the same Whole. Human beings are so varied that some fare better with organized religion or spiritual paths, whereas others don’t. If we simply live in a way that nurtures us and allows us to express our creativity, letting us see our own magnificence, that’s the best we can possibly do. To advocate any option or doctrine as being the one true way would only serve to limit who we are and what we’ve come here to be.

  WE DON’T HAVE TO ACTUALLY “WORK” AT doing anything—like following specific rituals or dogma—to stay in touch with our magnificence. We can if we want to, if it brings us pleasure to do so, but it’s not a requirement. Simply by following our internal guidance, we find what’s right for us, including the methodology we use to look for it. We know we’re on the right track when we feel ourselves at the center of our love without judgment of ourselves or others, and we recognize our true magnificence within the infinite Whole.

  For example, prayer can bring great comfort to some people in times of need, and also for self-discovery. It may have a positive effect on well-being because of the process of letting go and handing over all burdens. As a result, people who pray may feel lighter and more uplifted, which contributes not only to their own well-being, but also to others since we’re all connected. Any positivity you bring to yourself, you’re bringing to the Whole.

  However, I don’t believe that those who pray are any more or less connected than those who don’t. We all have our own way of recognizing that infinite space within us, and for some it may be prayer. For others, it can be music, art, being in nature, or even pursuing knowledge and technology—whatever brings out our passion, creativity and purpose for living. In other words, it’s not prayer in and of itself that makes some of us more aware of our magnificence than others. Rather, it’s choosing to conduct our lives by connecting with our own internal passion, bringing out a Zen-like quality and giving our lives meaning and a feeling of unity.

  I personally don’t feel the need to pray to an external god who’s separate from me, because I know that I’m always One with the Universe, 100 percent of the time. Thus, I feel that my life is a prayer in itself. I do find meditation very helpful because it quiets my mind and helps me bring focus to that central point of awareness where I feel my connection with everything contained within the Whole. Meditation might not create this uplifting feeling for others, and that’s fine. It’s important to do what resonates on a personal level.

  If you feel you can follow a system effortlessly, or if it’s fun, that’s great! But the minute it starts to be hard work or feel like a means of controlling your emotions or thoughts, it probably won’t work very well for you. The state of pure allowing seems like the place where most positive change can occur. Let yourself be you, no matter who you are, embracing anything that makes you feel alive.

  ALTHOUGH I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT the best thing I can do for myself and others is to consciously keep myself uplifted and do what makes me feel happy, you may be surprised to learn that I don’t advocate “positive thinking” as a blanket prescription. It’s true that since all of life is connected, keeping myself in high spirits has a larger impact, as it is also what I’m putting out to the Whole.

  However, if and when I notice negative thoughts creeping in, it seems best to allow them to pass through with acceptance and without judgment. When I try to suppress or force myself to change my feelings, the more I push them away, the more they push back. I just allow it all to flow through me, without judgment, and I find that the thoughts and emotions will pass. As a result, the right path for me unfolds in a totally natural way, letting me be who I truly am.

  Sweeping statements such as “Negative thoughts attracts negativity in life” aren’t necessarily true, and can make people who are going through a challenging time feel even worse. It can also create fear that they’re going to attract even more negativity with their thoughts. Using this idea indiscriminately often makes people going through seemingly tough times feel as though they’re bad for attracting such events, and that’s just not true. If we start to believe that it’s our negative thoughts that are creating any unpleasant situations, we can become paranoid about what we’re thinking. On the contrary, it actually has less to do with our thoughts than with our emotions, especially what we feel about ourselves.

  It’s also not the case that attracting positive things is simply about keeping upbeat. I can’t say this strongly enough, but our feelings about ourselves are actually the most important barometer for determining the condition of our lives! In other words, being true to ourselves is more important than just trying to stay positive!

  I allow myself to feel negatively about things that upset me because it’s much better to experience real emotions than to bottle them up. Once again, it’s about allowing what I’m actually feeling, rather than fighting against it. The very act of permitting without judgment is an act of self-love. This act of kindness toward myself goes much further in creating a joyful life than falsely pretending to feel optimistic.

  Sometimes when we see someone who’s really upbeat, effervescent, and kind, but whose life is crumbling, we may think, See? This “being positive” thing doesn’t work. But here’s the issue: we don’t know that individual’s inner dialogue. We don’t know what other people are telling themselves day in and day out, or whether they’re emotionally happy. And most important, we don’t know whether they love and value themselves!

  Because of what I realized in my NDE, I feel it’s so important not to have judgment and fear toward myself. When my inner dialogue is telling me that I’m safe, unconditionally
loved, and accepted, I then radiate this energy outward and change my external world accordingly. My outer life is actually only a reflection of my inner state.

  It’s not important whether I’m having a bad day or a bad week. It’s more important how I’m feeling about myself while I’m facing this day or week. It’s about trusting the process even as I face a difficult time and not being afraid to feel anxiety, sadness, or fear, rather than suppressing everything until those emotions pass. It’s about allowing myself to be true to who I am. Because of this, the feelings will dissipate and occur less and less frequently.

  Before my NDE, I used to suppress my upsetting emotions a lot, because I used to believe that they would attract negativity in my life. In addition, I didn’t want to concern others, so I tried to control my thoughts and force myself to be positive. But I now understand that the key is to always honor who you truly are and allow yourself to be in your own truth.

  Every segment of time is totally unique, and as each moment has passed, it can’t be replicated in this physical plane. I’ve learned to be comfortable with that and to live in the moment. As much as possible, I try not to carry any emotional baggage from one instant to the next. Instead I try to see each moment as a clean slate, bringing with it new possibilities. So I do what uplifts me or brings me the most pleasure and joy at that time—and while that might mean meditating, it could just as well mean that I go shopping or eat chocolates, if that’s what I feel like.

  Living more in harmony with who we truly are isn’t just forcing ourselves to repeat positive thoughts. It really means being and doing things that make us happy, things that arouse our passion and bring out the best in us, things that make us feel good—and it also means loving ourselves unconditionally. When we’re flowing in this way and feeling upbeat and energized about life, we’re in touch with our magnificence. When we can find that within us, things really start to get exciting, and we find synchronicities happening all around us.