Dying To Be Me Read online

  After reading my story, he was so intrigued that he contacted Peter Lloyd and asked if there was some way of reaching me, since the website didn’t give out my full name—it only identified my story as “Anita M’s NDE.” So Peter connected Dr. Ko and me via e-mail, and Dr. Ko immediately asked if he could call me because he had a lot of questions.

  We spoke on the phone for several hours, and I gave him details of my experience and of my medical condition in particular. I then faxed him some of the pertinent pages of my medical history, including the doctor’s report of February 2, the day I entered the hospital, describing my condition and prognosis, with the diagnosis “lymphoma, stage 4B.”

  After reading some of those pages, his first words were: “Lady, whichever way I look at it, you should be dead!”

  DR. KO WAS SO INTRIGUED BY MY CASE that he arranged a business trip to Hong Kong so that he could go to the hospital where my experience took place and study my medical records.

  It was mid-October when I met him in the hospital where I had my near-death experience. We sat in the lobby and spoke for a while, getting acquainted. He asked me questions about my experience and my illness, wanting to know everything from my perspective. Then we went to the administration office and asked for my records. They brought out this huge file, about three inches thick, and dropped it on the counter in front of us. We took it to the canteen, and Dr. Ko started to go through all the details page by page, pulling out pertinent documents to be copied.

  I felt extremely excited and privileged to have two oncologists—first Dr. Long and now Dr. Ko—so interested in my experience. It validated my feelings that I’d come back for some greater purpose that was going to help others. I was grateful and delighted that my going through everything I did could perhaps assist someone else.

  Dr. Ko asked me whether I would be open to speaking in public about what happened to me. He is, by his own admission, a skeptic by nature; but he was very excited by what he’d read in my hospital records and wanted to put his research on my case to good use immediately. He planned to organize a conference locally while he was still in Hong Kong in order to share his most recent findings with the medical community, and he wanted me to speak also. He told me that he’d already mentioned my case to several people in the local medical community, and had given a little bit of background about my story and my reluctance to accept conventional treatment.

  Dr. Ko felt that it was important for the medical community to hear my story from my perspective. He said that he’d never come across a case of a full remission from such an advanced stage of cancer, let alone at such a rapid rate. He believed it was important for people to know about it. I was extremely excited to be asked and eager to share what had happened, so I agreed to speak at the conference.

  I also put Dr. Ko in touch with our family general practitioner, Dr. Brian Walker, who confirmed that he’d been astounded by my recovery. Dr. Walker reiterated that he’d never seen such a rapid remission from such an advanced stage of cancer either. Dr. Ko spoke with Dr. Walker for some time about his observations of the progression of my cancer over the years, and Dr. Walker validated and endorsed many of the American physician’s findings. Dr. Ko then contacted the press and made sure there was a reporter present at the conference to report my story in our local newspaper.

  The following is an excerpt from the summary that Dr. Ko wrote up after his research through all my hospital records. He sent out this report, which I’m reproducing with his permission, as an e-mail to the press and medical community in connection with the conference. It recounts the details of my story from an oncologist’s perspective, confirming my personal experience.

  I hope you find Anita’s story compelling as I do…this encounter is turning out to be quite an eye-opener for me! When I came to HKG [Hong Kong] last month, my intention was to scrutinize her clinical history, and to either validate or invalidate her claims. Having satisfied myself with the factual details, I actually find myself becoming more and more intrigued with her fantastic experience…especially the message she brought back! While clinical details can be a bit tedious for the general reader, I do want to provide them to you as reference, so that you can really appreciate how ill she was, and how dramatic a recovery she made. I hope that, plus a couple of personal observations, can put Anita’s story on a more solid foundation:

  1. A chronologic account of Anita’s illness…In the Spring of 2002, she noticed a firm swelling just above her left collar bone. This was obviously an alarming sign to her physician. It was biopsied in April that year, and determined to be Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She was “staged” as 2½ (early to mid/asymptomatic). You knew all about her reluctance to undergo conventional therapy, seeking a variety of alternative approaches. Her disease slowly progressed over the next 2 years. By 2005, it began to interfere with her well-being. The cancer involved more and more of her lymph nodes, and became more and more enlarged. She also developed what we call “B symptoms”…night sweats, fever, skin itching, etc., all pointing to disease progression. She also developed pleural effusion (accumulation of fluid) on both sides of her chest, and throughout 2005, required several attempts to “tap the fluid” since it began to interfere with her breathing. By Xmas 2005, her course accelerated, and she began a downward spiral…the disease in her neck and chest wall was infiltrating the skin, resulting in large infected ulcers that would not heal. Unable to eat or absorb nourishment, weight loss, marked fatigue, muscle wasting…and her kidney functions started to be compromised.

  The morning of February 2 found her unable to get out of bed; her entire face, neck, and left arm were swollen like a balloon. Her eyes were swollen shut…all due to compromised venous drainage from her head and neck, by massively enlarged and matted lymph nodes. She was gasping for breath as a result of massive pleural effusion bilaterally, despite using supplemental home oxygen. Feeling utterly helpless, her husband and mother called her family doctor for help, who urged them to get her to the hospital right away. There, an oncologist was alerted, and was shocked by the shape Anita was in. Another oncologist was summoned due to the difficult decisions she presented. Several other consultants were called in to address different failing organ-systems. The consensus was that she would not survive without intervention. While chemotherapy might be highly toxic in view of her multiple organ failure, it would be her only chance. During that night, she underwent multiple examinations with MRI and CT, had 2 liters of fluid tapped from her chest, started on 3 of 7 chemotherapy drugs*, and [was] placed in the ICU. This was when Anita drifted off into what she described as her NDE.

  *The chemotherapy regimen called for 8 cycles of 7 drugs, each cycle taking three weeks.

  2. Anita’s dramatic recovery after she emerged from her NDE…The evening of Feb 3, Anita awoke, sat up, and declared to her family she would be okay. She conversed with the oncologist, who was baffled by her ability to even recognize him.

  On Feb 4, Anita demanded to have her nasogastric tube removed, and promised her doctors she would eat what they brought her in order to gain some weight. She asked for her iPod to be brought from home.

  On Feb 5, she greeted her doctors by asking them if they wanted to “join the party”; they eventually agreed to release her from the ICU on Feb 6.

  By that time, much of her neck and facial swelling had resolved; the massively enlarged lymph nodes began to soften, and she was able to turn her head for the first time. The drugs for her first cycle were completed in mid-February. A plastic surgeon was asked to:

  a. biopsy a lymph node on her neck, and

  b. skin graft the large open sores on her neck and axilla. He could not find any lymph node on examination, and scheduled her for an ultrasound examination prior to the biopsy; he would also do the skin graft at the same time.

  Three ultrasound exams failed to reveal any obviously pathologic lymph nodes. On Feb 27, he eventually biopsied one from her neck…and there was no evidence of cancer. The skin ulcers healed on their own without s
kin grafting.

  The oncologists eventually agreed to let her go home on March 9, after her second cycle. She celebrated her birthday on March 16 at Jimmy’s Kitchen, and went to a wedding, dancing and drinking champagne on March 26…then began her third cycle. They all came to a compromise by doing a CT-PET scan after 6 cycles (July 24)…she was given a clean bill of health, and they stopped 2 cycles short.

  Her recovery was certainly “remarkable.” Based on my own experience and opinions of several colleagues, I am unable to attribute her dramatic recovery to her chemotherapy. Based on what we have learned about cancer cell behaviors, I speculate that something (non-physical…“information”?) either switched off the mutated genes from expressing, or signaled them to a programmed cell death. The exact mechanism is unknown to us, but not likely to be the result of cytotoxic drugs.

  I think my encounter with Anita’s experience shall set the stage for me to learn more about this phenomenon, and about the true nature of our selves!

  The conference was attended by members of the medical profession, particularly professors from the oncology department of the local teaching hospital. In addition, there were a number of people there who’d been invited by myself, Dr. Ko, or some of the professors. Subsequently, Dr. Ko, Dr. Walker, and I were all invited to be interviewed on the radio about my case. (The newspaper article and radio interview are currently on my website: www.anitamoorjani.com.)

  As a direct result of the conference and my meeting members of the medical faculty at the Hong Kong University, I was invited to be a consultant in their department of behavioral studies, speaking and advising the professors on the psychology of facing cancer and death. I was asked to speak to both the faculty and the students on a regular basis on this subject, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

  Dr. Ko compiled a report of his medical findings from my file, along with his questions, and sent it to cancer institutes around the globe. To date, none of them have been able to answer his questions, and none of them have come across anyone on record who’s had such a dramatic turnaround.

  These are some of the unexplained phenomena that Dr. Ko shared with me that still remain a mystery:

  — My medical records show that my organs had already shut down at the time I entered the hospital, yet something caused them to start functioning again. Dr. Ko is intrigued by what would cause their recovery. He also noticed a remark written by the oncologist saying: “patient’s family have been informed,” which Dr. Ko interpreted as the doctor making a note that my family had been notified that I was dying.

  — My records confirmed that I had tumors the size of lemons throughout my body, from the base of my skull all around my neck, armpits, and chest, all the way down to my abdomen. But several days later, there was at least a 70 percent reduction in their size. He’s curious as to how it was possible for billions of cancer cells to leave my body so quickly when the organs were failing.

  — I had open skin lesions, and it’s recorded in my file that they needed reconstructive surgery since my body didn’t have the necessary nutrients to heal, because I was completely malnourished and my muscles were already wasted when I entered the hospital. The doctors’ notes indicate that reconstructive surgery would be scheduled when I got stronger. Yet the wounds healed completely by themselves, well before the medical team was ready to operate.

  These all come down to the main question that Dr. Ko and others want to understand about spontaneous remissions: What flicked the switch, to turn the body around from dying to healing?

  As for my own situation, I know the answer…but it’s not something that can be found in medicine.

  CHAPTER 12

  Seeing Life with New Eyes

  For the first few months after coming out of the hospital, I felt euphoric, as though on a permanent high. Everything and everyone appeared beautiful, and there was magic and wonder in even the most mundane of objects or events. Take my living-room furniture, for example, which had been with us for many years without seeming special in any way. After returning home, I saw beauty in the woodwork that I’d never noticed before, and I was able to sense the labor that went into the construction. I felt wonder at being able to operate my car again (which I couldn’t do in the last eight months of my cancer). I was in awe of my ability to coordinate my hands, eyes, and legs to drive through the streets. I was amazed by the human body and life itself.

  As the months passed, I began to feel that I needed to do something with my life again. But as I thought of what I might want to do, I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces. The world wasn’t the same place as the one I’d left behind. I’d spent the past four years dealing with being sick. During that time, my entire focus was on the disease. I’d spent years reading up, studying, and learning everything I possibly could about cancer. My entire purpose had revolved around my disease and trying to heal it. In a way, I’d begun to identify more with being someone who had cancer than with life. And now it was gone. What was I going to do with the rest of my life?

  Prior to my diagnosis, I’d been fiercely independent. However, during the time I was sick, I was completely reliant on Danny and my other family members. Once I was well and back on my feet, everyone resumed their respective roles. Danny returned to work, my mother and brother flew back home, and I was left to figure out what I wanted to do with myself.

  I couldn’t imagine going back to being a relocation officer. I’d left my job shortly after being diagnosed, and had even interviewed my replacement. I hadn’t been working for the last four years, as I was immersed in dealing with having cancer. Thinking about going back to work now felt different, and I realized I was different.

  I felt as though I couldn’t relate to anyone around me—or more accurately, that others couldn’t relate to me. If I thought about going back to work, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. Nothing felt right anymore. I felt as though I didn’t fit in with the people of this planet and their values. My priorities had changed, and I found that I was no longer interested in working in an office, reporting to anyone, or earning money for its own sake. I didn’t care to network, go out with friends after work to unwind, deal with morning or evening rush hours, or commute to work in the city. And so for the first time since my NDE, I felt lost…and lonely.

  IT BECAME INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT FOR ME to engage in conversations about everyday events. My attention span seemed to have shortened, and I found my mind wandering off on various tangents, even while talking with friends. I completely lost interest in what was going on in the world of politics and news, and even what my friends were doing. Yet I was riveted by the sun setting over the horizon while I sat on the beach enjoying an ice-cream cone, as though I were experiencing the loveliness of this world for the first time. The beauty of the sunset’s orange glow reflecting on the water as I felt the wet sand under my feet and between my toes filled me with awe in a way it never had before. The tantalizing taste of creamy Belgian chocolate ice cream on my taste buds made me feel as though it was the first time I was having ice cream!

  I saw divinity in everything—every animal and insect. I developed a much greater interest in the natural world than I had before. I couldn’t even kill the mosquitoes that came buzzing around me. They were life forms and needed to be respected as such. They had a purpose. I didn’t know what that was; I just knew they had one, as I did.

  Each morning, I woke up wanting to explore the world anew. Every day was a fresh adventure. I wanted to walk, drive, explore, sit on the hills and the sand, and just take in this life! I was also deeply interested in the urban environment, and reconnected with it as though it were all new. I spent my time exploring markets, enjoying city views and the beautiful skyline of neon-lit skyscrapers, admiring our highly efficient public transportation system and the incredible suspension bridges that stretched across the water to connect the various islands that make up Hong Kong. I was awed by it all.

  The deliciousness of each day made me fee
l as though I’d just been born. It was as if I’d entered the world as an adult, as if I’d been born for the first time on February 3, 2006.

  At the same time, I found myself unable to reconnect with many of my old friends, whom I attempted to meet over lunch or coffee. Everyone was anxious to catch up with me, but most didn’t understand how deeply and profoundly this experience had changed me. I found that I got restless and impatient in social situations. I couldn’t sit still for long periods of time or engage in conversation about mundane routines.

  I felt that people had lost the ability to see the magic of life. They didn’t share my wonder or enthusiasm for my surroundings—and just being alive. They seemed caught up in routine, and their minds were on the next thing they had to do. It was exactly what I used to do before my NDE. Everyone was so caught up with doing that they’d all forgotten how to just be in the moment.

  But most of all, I felt that I was at the edge of something wonderful that was about to unfold. I felt that there was some greater purpose to having experienced everything I’d just been through. Even with this inner excitement, however, with this feeling that I was on the precipice of some great adventure, I still didn’t feel that I had to do or pursue anything for it to happen. I just had to be myself, fearlessly! In that way, I’d be allowing myself to be an instrument of love. I understood that this was the best thing that any of us could possibly do or be, for both the planet and ourselves.

  Since I realized this, problems just didn’t seem that big anymore. I felt that people were taking life and their problems too seriously—which is what I used to do. In the past, I was drawn into other people’s dramas, as well as my own. But following my NDE, I just felt blessed to be alive and to get a second opportunity to express myself here. I no longer wanted to waste even one minute of the great adventure. I wanted to be as much me as I could possibly be and savor and taste every delicious minute of being alive!